uhuh

2007-01-11T02:28:00.000+08:00

im enlisting in a few hours. to those that i havent had a chance to say goodbye to, have a good time on mainland while i become the property of saf. ill see you guys soon, and i love all of you very very much.

2006-12-27T03:01:00.000+08:00

i guess this is it then. i really gave it everything i had.

2006-12-27T01:00:00.000+08:00

i had wanted to blog about something - other than complaining about the weather and the numerous other associated inconviniences. but im much too lazy. sometimes typing things out really doesnt do any justice to what you really want to say.

2006-12-25T14:37:00.000+08:00

hello mr teo you can get the pic from here:

apart from the fact that we look absolutely ridiculous, this kinda reminds me of our strange days in 1Q - from the christening of a few choice names for people (and those names have staying power okay!) such as anonymity (although this has abated somewhat) and vague (and this surely has cleared up) etcetc to the strange cheer which began with "1Q is the leader, 1Q is the king.." and our interesting FT's Mardi I and Teo CM and all the classfund troubles with the swindlish printing lady who charged us for MDP notes and just plain weird things like that. and then suddenly we're waiting to enlist. although 'waiting' seems to imply a deliberate action on our parts, which i assure everyone isn't the case.

christmas sucks when youre broke.

2006-12-21T02:24:00.000+08:00

two years is a long time. but i am something to you, i am.

2006-12-19T02:33:00.000+08:00

st james was nice. but i lost my damned phone. and i have no fuckin money to get a new one.

2006-12-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

ive just been so damn silly. what was i ever thinking?

2006-12-13T00:57:00.000+08:00

im terribly angry with myself and with other people. but mostly with myself. i feel rather silly and stupid - and most of all completely aghast at how uncontrollable my heart can become. i get insanely jealous so easily now. i get terribly moody. i also become very caught up with myself. and im very angry because this must all be my fault somehow, in an evil roundabout manner which infuriates me so damn much. i feel like complete shit tonight. im very disappointed that i have allowed myself to walk this path knowing full well just where it will lead to. okay. yeah.

2006-12-11T14:01:00.000+08:00

and so after weeks of relentless persuasion, matin has succeeded in making me sign up for a facebook account.

2006-12-01T18:08:00.000+08:00

im very sad the kittens died. they were really the most harmless things on earth. sure, they were damn noisy, but when the house remains quiet these next few weeks we'll miss the mewing more than ever.

2006-11-19T01:14:00.000+08:00

2006-11-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

2006-10-14T02:18:00.000+08:00

i really dont get why some people are jsut so damn attention seeking. we've all got problems. deal with it yourself. life's like that. we pull through on our own. what the fuck, really. im terribly upset really just that im only realising it now. what the fuck.

2006-10-12T15:03:00.000+08:00

i dont understand this.

2006-09-27T17:25:00.000+08:00

you know, i never thought itll come to the stage where the only exercise i get is by clubbing at least once every week.

2006-08-28T21:39:00.000+08:00

you know the place you live in sucks when you have to pay in excess of $7 tax for a pack of cigarettes

you know the place you live in sucks when its the most expensive place to light up in the region (and probably almost anywhere in the world) and the price of one pack is more than 3 times the price of a pack in the next most expensive place

you know the place you live in sucks when you can take a puff almost anywhere except in your own home

you know the place you live in sucks when the fines for smuggling a pack of cigarettes in is $200 and even the cab company offers rewards for squealing on cabbies who take part in the smuggling

you know the place you live in sucks when the revenues from taxing the layman goes to providing the inflated salaries that the government enjoys

you know the place you live in sucks when your country is ranked 140th in press freedom according to french ngo reporters without borders

you know the place you live in sucks when you country is consistently under watch by amnesty international for human rights abuses

2006-08-26T00:00:00.001+08:00

Lee [Kuan Yew], having failed to stop the foreign media from "meddling in Singapore's domestic affairs," told me that instead of attempting to control editors and journalists, he would target the pockets of owners and publishers. "I will hit you where it hurts. Then we will see your commitment to a free press." Anyway, he enjoyed a confrontation with the media. "Don't forget, I can hurt you more than you can hurt me." A bill was then being prepared with the aim of giving the government powers to limit the sales of foreign publications in Singapore, thereby reducing their revenues from circulation and advertisements. That would bring direct and more effective pressure to bear on editors. Privately, I felt that foreign publications would hardly submit to such pressure, but I was wholly wrong and Lee was largely right. (The Singapore Puzzle, p. 78)

ah well, here's a toast to the bastion of freedom that is singapore!

2006-08-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

at this point, i will probably seem like an intellectual snob but i really cannot stand really bad english. really bad english might not be so bad, but really bad and disgusting english is far worse. disgusting english usually involved strange words that one would never ever hear outside this island. this is not an explicit (not even implicit) criticism of singlish but a post expressing disgust at people who type something like this in their blogs:

hahax..den dey nid go sell flag 2dae..cip mahx..den i actually 1ted 2 go help dem de..but i nt so crazee..hahax..aniwaes..i dunno where dey go 2 sell..so nv go..hahax..i'll go if i noe!!

there are many many things wrong with this post. firstly what is the use of the x behind "haha"? it doesnt accentuate anything or add to the post. i accept the use of the contraction "dey" and "nid" for "they" and "need" because its only natural to want to take shortcuts so its perfectly fine. secondly, what the hell is "de"? okay maybe its like "lah", just to accentuate the point made, so i guess thats permissible as well. thirdly, what in the world is "aniwaes"? its not a contraction. its a deliberate use of irritating english. scratch that its not even bloody english.

and sTiCkY cApS are also damn bloody irritating. and just what exactly is "neber"?

this is a fucking weird country.

2006-08-05T04:01:00.000+08:00

i miss ri. i really do. and very badly at that. i had such a great time there and things, though not all rosy, were so much better. i was motivated in some way or other to work, to come to school to make the best i could out of every single day. i hate the way things have turned out where i am now.

2006-08-01T00:39:00.000+08:00

you know why there are very few malay role models? because everyone juxtaposes malay and muslim and expects role models for the community to fulfill both criteria. and i tell you now that that is bullshit. im bloody outraged now because ive just discovered that a certain teacher who taught me my mother tongue a few years ago has been lambasting people in my batch, including and probably especially me, for not being the best muslims among other things.

well let me tell you that we're probably the most brilliant batch that you're going to ever have okay. stupid dog. we ended up here because of what we did for ourselves and we only have ourselves to thank. i hate the fucking circular argument used by people like you where if you study hard and you make it then its gods will so he gets the credit and if you dont make it then its probably cos you didnt study hard. even if you do. its never your own fault unless its a bad thing. well i say this; god doesnt deserve as much credit as you give him. you need a fucking slap back into reality to realise that.

ugh. i mean we are free to practice what believe our religion should constitute. religion is from the heart and as intellectuals, i would expect that you realise that too. why shackle yourself to something you know is questionable? worse, why judge people according to your own erroneous standards? im absolutely disgusted. the things you speak of in class during lessons too! its simply outrageous.

i do not deny being a bad muslim. but i refuse to let that allow you to say im a bad person.

2006-07-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

im sick. i hate being sick. i really hate diarrhoea, isnt it just the most disgusting illness ever? your ass feels damn sore and you spend half your time in the toilet. and it even wakes you up when youre asleep. such is the only thing that can keep me in on a sat night.

on a sidenote, my tendons are inflammed. which is irritating. i cant move about properly, it had better go away soon. i hate falling sick when the weekend approaches, why dont i fall sick during weekdays? like smack in the middle of the week? its really quite irritating. if i did, then i can rest mid-week, which is really what i need.

im going nowhere with studying.

princessannwe<3you

2006-07-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

to think that i prize loyalty so much, it is unforgivable that the people so close to me are those that value that the least and have little honour to speak of. im genuinely very disappointed that my closest friends are those that i possibly could trust the least.

2006-06-29T00:11:00.000+08:00

there comes a time when your past catches up with you again. well, fuck off.

2006-06-27T00:27:00.000+08:00

im tired. im really really tired. when will i finally get a break. i know this is all unnecessary angst after awhile but seriously, ive been working the whole year. its useless asking for a break now for obviously nobody will listen but hey - okay i thought i had something clever to say after the hey but i dont. its 1230am. there should be no reason for me to begrudgingly stay up till this hour, though the hour is not particularly late, trying to restore whatever little knowledge i have about whatever i have learnt (or pretended to) in good ol' rjc.

i shall embark on a quest for a calculator now. its somewhere in the house i know, but exactly where im not sure. but its here. ill find it. onward!

2006-06-25T02:46:00.000+08:00

so the fifth show this year ends. im really really really tired out. and common tests are tomorrow. i have not studied in any way at all. please please let me not fail terribly because i have been doing many good things this june. please please let me do fine and not fail.

fuck im going to fail.

2006-06-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

Its all got to begin somewhere. When preparing for a Big Move, one has got to gather strength to see it through in a slow, methodical and most of all painful fashion. For now it's something as small as being able to hang up the phone without any fear, but small things - you've never been good with the small things. And I always get the blame for picking on them. But these small things will save the day, I think. For one must start small when it comes to these things - there's no use thinking that one can move a mountain when one is unable to carry a stone, and likewise, no use in thinking that one can walk away when one cannot even spend a night in solitude.

But I am sure of it. I am sure that we can all survive on our own, individually. I am sure of it. And eventually, I will make you sure of it too.

2006-06-15T08:17:00.000+08:00

There comes a time when one just has to make the brave decision to walk away and spare yourself anymore pain and agony. It's never easy leaving the life that you've spent so much time building for yourself but sometimes there isn't another way to solve a problem. Of course, some problems have no solutions. But if these problems cannot be solved, what does one do then? Is it better to walk away entirely or to pretend the problem does not exist? There's no use sweeping under the rug something that persists in making an issue of itself time and time again.

This is the only thing that is wrong, and yet- this is everything.

2006-06-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

Watching the Friday dvd has made me feel very nostalgic all of a sudden. For some reason, no matter when in time we look back, the days that have passed us always seem like they were a better time. For me, it marked a time where i had less to think about because the future seemed to far away. Now, on the brink of yet another major exam, and in fact probably the most difficult national exam, I feel as though there is too little time. People are beginning to go places; I already feel this with respect to the J3s, several of which are flying off to faraway lands and even more conscripted and hating it. I am beginning to lose my friends and as miles begin to seperate us, I can only dread how many more will leave me and how many more I will say goodbye to.

I've been reading alot these holidays and inevitably, time being a zero sum game, not studying for Common Tests. Not that I have a strong aversion to ignoring the fact that the holidays are ending but reading has also provided me with alot of food for thought and I've begun to realise that I, ironically, don't know many things. Is the knowledge of one's lack of knowledge, or rather the awareness of one's ignorance really valuable in any way? I find myself groping about in the darkness trying to figure out what to do day by day because I do not have a plan; which in itself isn't exactly wrong, but there's nothing to hold life together at this point in time.

I've been studying for so long that it makes no sense to continue. None at all. 12 years of books back to back takes too much out of you that sometimes just cannot be put back in. I've tried the system, tested the system, toyed with it, and have been beaten back down it. Hard. There is no point fighting for something you believe in when at the end of the day, nobody realises it and labels it as part of your brash youth. Everyone thinks that standing up for one's self is being rebellious and while that could be true to some extent, it is very different from fighting the system because one just wants to fight something. I am very tired of having to defend myself when faced with a system that is erroneous and rewards nothing but blind faith and unnecessities. This is not to say that everything about it is wrong and should be changed because there certainly are good things about it that deserve merit but at the same time, many imperfections, glaring imperfections mind you, exist within it and are screaming out to be changed.

I'm really sick and tired of fighting and struggling to make some sort of change, to get people to sit up and take notice of what's wrong but it seems as though nobody wants to or that nobody dares to. I resist the flow because I think that it is going in the wrong direction. It also pisses the hell out of me when people think that this constitutes rebellion and therefore anything that does not go according to what is expected of me is part of that rebellious streak and that streak needs to be stamped out. Fast. It's ridiculous really, and we all know what specific incident involving a certain slip of the tongue onstage I refer to now. If it's not already clear, it had nothing to do with me and I've had enough of people wondering if it really was an executive decision on my part because it was not.

Does nobody seem to treasure honesty anymore? I sure have provided a very frank assessment of exactly what I am being put through right now and it does not seem as though it will matter. I feel like a passing wind that everyone will soon forget. And that is true, to a large extent. Which is why at this point in time I feel that the last 12 years of my life have been a failure. A failure to articulate the inadequacies of the system that exists. A failure to fit in. A failure to abide by the rules, no matter how ridiculous they are. A failure to do what I want, and be able to be everything that I sought out to be.

I feel quite lost now. I've done alot. I've really done a whole lot. But it does not seem like it will ever, ever be enough.

2006-06-12T21:37:00.000+08:00

This is quite funny:

"Perhaps our largest circulation newspaper thinks that Singapore is not ready to respect sexual orientation as a human right. After all, homosexual sex is still illegal here, like in Nigeria, Egypt and Uganda and other African countries"

yawningbread.org

2006-06-07T22:58:00.001+08:00

i shall write a new play. it shall be called "no veggies please".

2006-05-31T23:11:00.000+08:00

"There is something distasteful about their inability to control themselves. To be thin takes control and rigour." -- Karl Lagerfeld on Fat People

Also, MOS was a disaster. Oversold probably twice over. I was annoyed. The police came. Wonder whose fault that was. Haha.

budget terminal

2006-05-29T21:57:00.000+08:00

after sending my brother off to newzealand (and having dinner), we drove past the budget terminal. and let me tell you it really screams cheap. who on earth will want to use such a place? the word budget is practically everywhere in font size 384173178382 and its very against the whole notion of conspicuous consumption to be caught making your way there. maybe with a mask la.

2006-05-25T10:27:00.000+08:00

it just hit me, during geog, that ive been working 12-15 hour days ever since febuary. almost without fail. at least my sundays are a little shorter. i wonder why im not dead yet.

2006-05-24T22:46:00.000+08:00

i am going to get a b4 for gp.

2006-05-24T01:15:00.000+08:00

i took this after dance night. isnt the pic nice! yes it is gaia.

as the rush comes

2006-05-24T00:27:00.000+08:00

i just thought the photographs were gorgeous.

so here we are again, just before another exam, the next being prelims and after that the As themselves. i cant wait for the holidays to begin, so that school will end. its far too tiring to get up so early just to watch the flag being raised and singing songs i dont believe in. well, not particularly anyway. im glad im often not well enough to just make my way to school. lessons exhaust me. theyre too damn early in the morning. whats the point of making everything begin so early anyway? i wake up before sunrise and im back home far after the sun sets. school life is a ridiculously busy life - yes i understand that ive brought it upon myself - and i cant wait for it to end in a few months. i dont think ill miss this place.

when its time to turn around and say goodbye, it wont be a sweet sorrow. itll be plain sweet.

ns checkup

2006-05-22T21:53:00.000+08:00

it was such a strange experience. and it was so long. especially the strange MAPAS test which took up so much time and i actually had to use my brain so it was kinda stressful. i also discovered that there were alot of strange people in this world. theres just so much order to things there in cmpb and its only going to get worse. everything has a number, every step must come after another step and theres always a desired outcome guided by a vision and mission. it gets slightly disturbing after awhile, but im sure its only because i hate regimentation and thats pretty obvious from my experience in school. its going to be a tough life ahead.

SWALK AH!

2006-05-21T01:31:00.000+08:00

the pretty flowers - aftermath to every production

another chapter has come to a close i guess. never expected the show to mean much to me but i guess as with many things, im wrong. ive had a really good time working with my cast members and making new friends and becoming closer to people; its been a great experience really. much love to everyone who came down to watch - hope you enjoyed it.

and yes that really was me singing - no recording - and it was a real-time scoring system that was scoring me when i was singing live. haha. why does everyone think otherwise.

look what i found!

2006-05-16T09:27:00.000+08:00

http://followyrbliss.livejournal.com

http://trinketcove.blogspot.com

hello! i recently discovered that my talented classmates have decided to make good use of their abilities and have been making jewellery for sale. they don't do remakes and the pieces are pretty unique. and not pricey also. when i confronted them, they denied it. haha. but theyre always making jewellery during lessons and not listening in class haha. so.. go take a look (they update very regularly). their customers include the richest boy in rj chua weijie haha.

2006-05-14T03:38:00.000+08:00

i hate being revolutionary. nobody appreciates them until theyre dead.

2006-05-08T14:16:00.000+08:00

i cant wait till i leave this place and then ill give it a piece of mind.

2006-05-01T23:15:00.000+08:00

while i think that stevechia has his own issues i find it amusing that the campaign tagline of his opponent, whatever his name is, revolves around something like "would you vote for a quitter or stayer?", taking a dig at stevechias declaration that he would leave politics if he lost in his third bid to win a seat.

its very strange to suggest that stevechias a quitter firstly because his track record actually defies such a description. i mean hello hes coming back for a third time after losing twice, very unglamorously, and all that trouble with the law, i think he, if anything, exemplifies fighting back. not that this means i endorse him personally of course, its just a point to note.

its just a load of bull and a load of hypothetical situations that old men will fall for. i mean, these are after all the people that turn up at rallies and whatnot.

i think the whole thing regarding how the ruling party has a proven track record thing, while legitimate, is unfair. such a track record was only possible based on precedence and at the expense of another. track record does not prove ability. for all we know the opposition is equally capable just that theyve never been given a chance to actually participate, i dont mean the token ncmp or chaimseetong.

that said, the whole jamesgomez issue has been quite disappointing because he seems to have quite deliberately done what he did. its quite a blow to the credibility of the opposition i think. more significantly, i think the issue, while serious, is being blown out of proportion by the ruling party. yes its an issue of credibility but they have been very cunning and associate gomez' own credibility with the party as a whole. very unfair this whole business.

---

on a seperate note, i just got this article which said that the large the income differences among a group of people (specifically in this study, footballers), the harder it is for them to function properly together (i.e. dissatisfaction and other problems exist) and the more they are integrated with the rest of the team, i.e. the closer everyone is, the more the problems are amplified.

maybe having rich friends is really not a good idea.

---

dance night coming. college play too.

---

zzzz.

on wealth

2006-04-29T00:25:00.000+08:00

i hate people who have wealth and use this to their distinct advantage by outdoing their lesser friends in terms of everything that money can buy, from clothes to places on top schools and the like. the old adage money cant but happiness? its an utter load of bull. no matter what, money always adds to ones utility, even though the absolute value of this diminishes somewhat the more the money. which is why some people choose to claim that the utility derived by the wealthy on money is far less than the utility derived by the poor on the same thing. even then, the utter lack of many can be quite an interesting situation; there are many poor people whose quality of life, or more significantly, perceived quality of life is as high as their counterparts in richer nations with more disposable income. learning geography has been an eyeopener for me in this sense for i remember quite distinctly that the happiest people in the world, came from the poorer nations who were satisfied with the way things were with their lives and were more than happy to exist within their limitations.

this is not the case for many of the urban middle-class and poor who are faced with brash statements of wealth everywhere they turn be it the bmw 7 series turning into the driveway in school or the sony psp. in both colours. i say that i hate rich people because i am deeply envious of them. as one who has had to face an enduring family history of bad financial decisions, i feel frustrated that i cannot truly belong anywhere, languishing instead in the limbo that is the middle-class. my parents earn too much to apply for financial assistance and yet they earn too little for me to lead a decadent lifestyle.

of course im very well aware of the fact that i should not desire to lead such lifestyles and i agree with that to some extent. while i should be held responsible for such desires, i argue that i should have diminished responsibility because it is so hard not to want what others have. this type of desire has to be further dichotomised because i dont feel that there has been any wrong done if ive not worked for something and i dont get it. however, when i do not possess something out of no fault of my own, its definitely something that i cannot deal with easily.

i hate being broke, but its a stark reality oftentimes. i feel as though i dont ever have enough money anymore and it makes me sad, but it also makes me sad to think why this is so. i try to recall if ive made a big purchase previously, and i realise that ive not shopped for anything for myself in months so everything has gone to day to day living expenses. staying in school till unearthly hours has that effect; i just cant go without food for too long and it means having to sustain myself on 50 bucks a week just eating and surviving. which is an obscene amount. its terrible.

i wish i had more money, i really do. i confess that i am deeply resentful that my parents cannot provide for the life that i want to be leading. i will never have kids if i cannot provide them with the best; not only saying that i will, but doing it.

things to do

2006-04-18T01:42:00.000+08:00

there are just too many things to do. ive 3 productions in the space of a month. this is absolute insanity. too many things to do. too many damn things to do. its going to be another sleepy day at school.

2006-03-29T21:28:00.000+08:00

i cant believe that a week ago i was on my way to mos to have a night out of unbelievable fun. and now? bah.

i love my friends

2006-03-26T01:51:00.000+08:00

and i loved turning 18. absolutely.

thanks for, firstly a wonderful night at mos; it was realy out of this world and special thanks goes to evie mavis moni and bestfriend shib (= ive not had fun like that in a bloody long time la <333

then, thanks for the surprise party yesterday that really caught me offguard. thanks for all the prezzies from everyone and more importantly, thanks akesh chang evie harshil jessobunny kenneth m2 manda matin mavis max nontak sarahsmith bestfriend shang bestfriend shib suhas yiggy for coming last night. special thanks for mastan for organising it and russ for his place (= many, many <3

i really had alot of great fun ytd and for the past few days and turning 18 has been a complete blast so thanks everyone for making me a very happy zul, you guys are really great and i love you all muchly <3

cat

2006-03-10T23:19:00.000+08:00

on my way home today, i cat streaked past me. not a cat, more of a kitten really, and this i realised when i picked it up and realised that it could almost fit comfortably onto my palm. the kitten was black with a white belly and like most other kittens, very adorable. it mewed and rolled over, belly up and i couldnt fight this great urge to bring it home. once, we had a kitten of our own too. it was the most wily rascal, but it was much loved by everyone. it did however, have a knack of being too naughty and this didnt go too well with my elder brother who decided one day to lock Streak the kitten outside the house for one night after his misdemeanour (probably pooing under the bed again). streak had been locked outside before of course, and he would be let in the following morning looking rather remorseful in a feline way. this once however, streak never came back. the little kitty, probably now either a big tom cat or dead, is still at large.

this little kitten i picked up this morning reminded me of streak, or rather, the feeling of having a pet to run around in the house and to play with when one gets bored with the rest that life has to offer. i stepped into the lift intending to bring it home. the kittens ears perked up as the lift beeped shut. it looked alarmed. suddenly it wasnt playfully rolling about in my hands anymore. as the lift rose to the next floor i looked outside and saw another cat, looking into the lift and mewing. i realised then that it was probably the kittens mother and that by making that selfish decision to bring it home, i was tearing apart mother and child.

we always talk about animals not being able to feel what humans do but this once, i felt true alarm in the mews of the kitten and genuine sadness in the eyes of its mother. i felt the pain of seperation, as impossible and ridiculous as it sounds, of these two animals. i wondered to myself, if cats can feel pain and understand loss, why cant humans? i must have looked strange cradling the kitten at the lift landing of the third floor, reflecting on the mother's cries. the kitten in my hands grew more anxious, scratching away at whatever it could get its paws on.

disentangling its claws from my shirt, i sent the kitten back down.

dont know why

2006-03-08T01:17:00.000+08:00

ive been extremely illdisciplined this year. ive not been studying. ive not been doiong homework. things like that. and at the wrong time too, this being my j2 year and the year i have my a levels. ive never felt so tired every single day coming to school until this year. all i do now is struggle to keep awake and try not to doze off during lessons. ive also been more ill this year, properly ill. this years just been going very wrong and i hope it doesnt continue this way and that the turning point will be common tests, although it is rather hard to see how that can be possible, with gp being tomorrow and me being at my unprepared best. ive just been playing maplestory for the past few hours and stoning in front of the computer wondering to myself 'what's next'. ive always believed we create our own future and the one im carving out right now seems to start with a bad common test and downhill from there.

oh and i watched brokeback ytd at last. it was crushingly beautiful. ive nothing else to say. sigh.

2006-02-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

and so my last dramafest experience has ended on a bittersweet note. yes, we were disqualified. yes, i am upset. but yes ive had a crazy amazing experience overall. yes ive made new friends who i will always remain extremely fond of. and yes im extremely grateful to everyone who has helped in any way or other.

thanks:
my wonderful cast
my greatgreat production team
hadri, smriti and jireh
my best buddies junyi shang and shib
aysuria and gavin
other directors and fellow df people
everyone who gave me things like yi jing wanjun russ charles kiki ahanong yowie max cheryl navjote ali zhunian (invisible flowers rule!) kwanrui kli meiyu and other people who i forgot by mistake

and yeah people like that. thanks everyone. i wish it could have ended on a better note but.. we cant have everything. life's not at our service at the push of a button.

first day

2006-02-24T01:19:00.000+08:00

today was fine i suppose. not as good as it should have been. rushing to do stuff now. very last minute i know, but this is known as the last leg. and during the last leg, we sprint all the fucking way.

df

2006-02-19T18:36:00.000+08:00

and so i blog again. a blog is like a good friend; its always around when you need it the most. then again im not sure what exactly qualifies as 'need it the most'. df has been a very stressful ride. trying new things is always stressful. writing something serious after years of comedy is like losing your virginity; you don't know what to do and it's all veyr awkward. it still is very strange and i'm having loads of trouble putting things together. the week ahead genuinely doesn't bode too well.

2005-12-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

im am very very very fucking annoyed with things right now and i dont fucking feel like clubbing anymore.

2005-11-23T08:16:00.000+08:00

chengchai is a genius! his part of the script is absolutely hilarious.

2005-11-22T19:34:00.000+08:00

im damn fricking bored now and its such an odd time to be online but i am. been trying to write the storyline script but its not really going anywhere and im still wondering where my mising pages went too. CC has craftily tried to get me to shoulder some blame for any funny things happening in FOOTPRINTS IN Z'KARDIA but alas! i was too smart to yield. anw this is his confession:

Virginia Woolf says:
ANW ZUL

Virginia Woolf says:
i sabotaged so many ppl in my part pls do the same so we can share the blame

Virginia Woolf says:
i made tons of ppl do stupid things

orientation is looking pretty exciting i think (= and shibbydoo has returned from bangkok bearing gifts for her friends! hurray! because i am her friend! so i have gifts! hurray! these holidays feel very good because so many people are going away to exciting places where they can do lots of shopping. i felt very in bangkok myself because shibbydoo was msging me thruout the trip about the stuff she was shopping for and i felt as though she was just in town asking if i wanted anything from there but WHOA shes a few hundred kilometers away at least in another country. M is going to KL tonight and R is going to bangkok during christmas. how vicariously thrilling. shibbydoo laid out all the stuff she bought there on the floor and it filled up her room. haha.

yawn. sleepy.

3some

2005-11-06T17:55:00.000+08:00

threesome was good. it was a happy two nights. i thought we did well. drinks at happy daze were nice and cheap, although they chased us out at around 2am, very rudely declaring that they were closed already. but 55 for a jug of margarita? HELLO? a little expensive considering the place. and it wasnt even a big jug. the lovely girls bought me underwear, but a size too big. i dont know if i should feel insulted or to receive it as a compliment, but im inclined to think they just assume that S will be too small just because it sounds small. thats what i did anyway, but i never liked wearing anything bigger than it really has to be.

the cake was absolutely yummy. next time, if there IS a next time, please dont buy me flowers. get me something edible that i can eat, or something that i can keep. flowers remind me of what it is to be on stage, youre only in the limelight for that short moment, and then, the moments lost forever; a flower that blooms only blooms once and only for awhile. flowers are pretty, but largely useless, especially since after productions we tend to go out and celebrate, thus flowers have no place to be kept. a bag of famous amos wouldve been a better bet (= w/o nuts.

life is very sickening otherwise. i enjoyed the brief time i had with the girls. theyre absolutely lovely, all of them. today was the morning after. i survived yet another one. i think im really beginning to get sick of drama. i get less and less postproduction blues, and for that im thankful. getting too attached to anything is dangerous. here's a toast to the new friends i made, and two solid shows, and a wonderful bunch of people to work with.

goodnight.

2005-10-30T22:48:00.000+08:00

secretly, we all hate one another. everyone is just waiting for the other to trip up and fail. in jc, we all just tolerate one another until we have sponged off sufficiently. other than a small group of friends, everyone else is just competition. we hate everyone just as much as everyone else hates us. and even within that small group of friends you begin to find that everyone else irritates you more and more each day. jc life really sucks. this is my honest assessment of what being a jc student really means and i think its especially bad in rj. everyones just so bloody competitive, no matter what they say. everyone wants to do well, and if this means doing better than others, so be it. rj brings out the worst in you, and i find that now, moreso than ever, i hate people who do better than me. more accurately perhaps, i hate the fact that they do better than me, and consequently this breeds resentment against the person in question. just about nobody is excluded from these evil feelings and i must admit that while i feel happy when i do well, i feel better when others dont.

its become very clear to me that its really about emerging top and clawing your way there. there isnt any time to waste romanticising about the value of friendship and things like that; companionship does have its value but when push comes to shove its really every man for himself. its very easy to say that selflessness features in someone but really, how many people would genuinely prefer their friends to do better than them. i guess im typing this all out because im coming to terms with what i really feel about the past year in rj. after the O's i saw so many of friends do so much better than i did and i felt a surge of anger against the world, against myself. i didnt understand why things had to be that way and why i had to face such great disappointments. but disappointments are part of life and ill make no secret of the fact that im happy i did better this time round during the promos than so many people who did better than me during the Os. it would have been nice to do even better though, and ill make sure i do in a years time.

all that said i truly am sorry for some people who havent done as well as they could and should have during the promos, and im happy for some people who have done well. im not sure why such double standards exist. but these people are exceptions to the norm, just as they are exceptions in their own rights. i find that i can truly respect very few people, and those that i respect have truly gained my admiration. the rest are just chaff.

2005-10-21T14:30:00.000+08:00

some people have difficulty understanding that they are part of the past and should remain that way. there is no use trying to muscle your way back into the present, because youre simply too insignificant to do so. you do realise of course, that most of your life has been a failure in most senses of the word, and everyone more or less recognises that too, except maybe yourself. in light of this trend, the only direction that your life seems to be going is frighfully offtangent, and that's where it'll hopefully remain. i realise that im a fucking bastard but its ok. some people deserve it (=

anyway i cant believe i failed math - again. it was a particularly shitty failure because it wasnt like the others. previously, ill come out from the exam hall convinced that i will fail, but only because i barely did enough to pass and i didnt really know what the hell was going on in the paper. this time however, i did, and i felt very cheated that i ended up failing too. this really sucks. i really thought i could pass, and end up with like BBBCA1 or something.

on another note, a years come and gone. only another year left to make the most of the time here in rj. times running out.

2005-10-17T06:36:00.000+08:00

some people are very very irritating and i am very very irritated with these people. on another note, geog and gp down, math lit econs to go. the addition on the CA component into the final mark for gp makes me wish i had handed in better work for the past year. im pretty sure itll pull my marks down and that will be very annoying indeed.

yikes

2005-10-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

exams are over but the workload hasnt exactly receded much at all. theres plenty to do still, which isnt so bad because it gives me something to do rather than bum around. cant believe that the exams ended yesterday though, it seems like it was so long ago. theres nothing much to say actually, nothing interesting has happened really. yesterday was rather fascinating though. staying over at Y's was worth it to see the other Y die - well, kinda - and then get resurrected afterwards. i genuinely thought he died since he more or less collapsed on the floor and stopped moving for the longest time, and grunted only afterwards when we started theorising loudly about how to bury him. lucky him though, cos he fell asleep just as the vodka was kicking in properly and beginning to get to his head. so we didnt get a chance to see him being wonky. nobody was really that wonky. how tragic! i didnt get to enjoy seeing anyone dance about unawares.

today

2005-10-07T06:55:00.000+08:00

Y declared very loudly in swensens that he was circumsized and the whole restaurant turned to look. haha.

im very bored anyway so i decided to surf around in the library.. and look what i found : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nigger

this is also rather hilarious : http://www.gnaa.us/

this came from there:

About GNAA:
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the first organization which gathers GAY NIGGERS from all over America and abroad for one common goal - being GAY NIGGERS.

Are you GAY?
Are you a NIGGER?
Are you a GAY NIGGER?

If you answered "Yes" to all of the above questions, then GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) might be exactly what you've been looking for!
Join GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) today, and enjoy all the benefits of being a full-time GNAA member.
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the fastest-growing GAY NIGGER community with THOUSANDS of members all over United States of America and the World! You, too, can be a part of GNAA if you join today!

Why not? It's quick and easy - only 3 simple steps!

First, you have to obtain a copy of GAYNIGGERS FROM OUTER SPACE THE MOVIE and watch it. You can download the movie (~130mb) using BitTorrent.
Second, you need to succeed in posting a GNAA First Post on slashdot.org, a popular "news for trolls" website.
Third, you need to join the official GNAA irc channel #GNAA on irc.gnaa.us, and apply for membership.
Talk to one of the ops or any of the other members in the channel to sign up today! Upon submitting your application, you will be required to submit links to your successful First Post, and you will be tested on your knowledge of GAYNIGGERS FROM OUTER SPACE.

If you are having trouble locating #GNAA, the official GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA irc channel, you might be on a wrong irc network. The correct network is NiggerNET, and you can connect to irc.gnaa.us as our official server. Follow this link if you are using an irc client such as mIRC.

If you have mod points and would like to support GNAA, please moderate this post up.

.________________________________________________.
| ______________________________________._a,____ | Press contact:
| _______a_._______a_______aj#0s_____aWY!400.___ | Gary Niger
| __ad#7!!*P____a.d#0a____#!-_#0i___.#!__W#0#___ | gary_niger@gnaa.us
| _j#'_.00#,___4#dP_"#,__j#,__0#Wi___*00P!_"#L,_ | GNAA Corporate Headquarters
| _"#ga#9!01___"#01__40,_"4Lj#!_4#g_________"01_ | 143 Rolloffle Avenue
| ________"#,___*@`__-N#____`___-!^_____________ | Tarzana, California 91356
| _________#1__________?________________________ |
| _________j1___________________________________ | All other inquiries:
| ____a,___jk_GAY_NIGGER_ASSOCIATION_OF_AMERICA_ | Enid Al-Punjabi
| ____!4yaa#l___________________________________ | enid_indian@gnaa.us
| ______-"!^____________________________________ | GNAA World Headquarters
` _______________________________________________' 160-0023 Japan Tokyo-to Shinjuku-ku Nishi-Shinjuku 3-20-2

Copyright (c) 2003-2004 Gay Nigger Association of America

and no im not supporting it in anyway but i found it rather amusing. dont click on the members link though, because it tries to execute trojans on your com.

shit ok i just realised that the net is a treasure trove of trashy websites that are damn stupid and disgusting.

random

2005-09-25T14:36:00.000+08:00

1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a dream occupation that i think you will love
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) I'll tell you something that I've always wanted to but some how never did.
9) I'll tell you my favourite memory of you.
10) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written!

1) you wear size 10 shoes
2) brokeback mountain. haha.
3) newscaster. haha ok no.
4) peanut butter!
5) debating against me two years ago
6) squirrel.
7) why do you feel repulsed by exercise! haha.
8) i am deeply envious of your newly acquired friendship
9) oh shit this is cruel, it forces me to choose one when i have so many! ummm. i think the best thing is you always create a new memory for me each day so ive a new favourite memory every day. but if i had to choose, itll probably youre greetings for me over msn. haha

this is very strange

2005-09-20T15:19:00.000+08:00

ive not been online in awhile - as in msn online - and people keep asking me why im online and when they msg i dont reply to them. anyway - do not be fooled! its probably not me and its just the automatic sign-in feature kicking in when other people access the computer. i swear im not ignoring you; the person whos using the com probably just forgot to put me on away or something, and was too lazy to sign me out. blah. ok thats all actually.

far far behind

2005-09-18T18:41:00.000+08:00

this is really quite bad. ive got more to study than i had previously thought due to the ingenuity of our teachers, who suddenly decided to spring on us new topics like market failure. well, essentially it really isnt a new topic, but its confusing enough. whats irritating me to no end is that the topic that i previously thought was the last topic i needed to study for econs i.e. labour, is proving far more annoying than i had previously considered it to be. the whole wages thing has been nothing but a pain in the ass. and i cant locate my m4m book. its somewhere, but i dont know where. and ive not done math in days, which has been a direct result of doing more of everything else, well maybe not everything else, but just geog. after doing econs tys i am thoroughly depressed and am convinced that i have to study harder and stop being unproductive. i may seem like i have been studying alot but ive really covered very little considering how long i seem to have been studying. which only goes to show that i, am, Very, Unproductive. i mean, i make some progress so i guess by strict definition im not really unproductive, just that im not at optimal productivity.

all that aside i get really freaked out when i hear about RL and friends who have revised like four times or something to that effect, which is absolutely crazy. theyve either got to be phenomenally productive, phenomenally smart, or started studying phenomenally early. or even all three. but i genuinely doubt they are. anyway! i hate it when people deny theyve been studying. seriously, just what is the point of doing that? is it suppose to make you seem smarter when you do well athough you 'didnt study'? thats not even cunning. so, whatever. im very tired and my stomach is groaning. i have a sudden craving for maggi but im too lazy to cook anything, especially since it involved washing up afterwards. which is rather undesirable. i hate cleaning up. i guess thats what domestic help is for.

anyway, happy birthday mom! =D =D

psle looms in a few weeks time as well, and this means that in a months time, ill not have a source of income anymore. that sucks. especially since its during the holiday period, which means i can actually give tuition more often and hence my earnings will be at a maximum then. but alas! ill have to put up with the reduced income. okay im REALLY craving for maggi now. i think i shall give in and go cook some! to everyone else studying at this hour, jiayou! time to load up on the yummy grub. haha shit its damn unhealthy. urgh. ok whatever.

mistaken

2005-09-17T12:58:00.000+08:00

i was reminded today that i dont really know as much as i think i do, and that i am prone to overestimating myself. i really thought i knew this friend of mine. now i begin to wonder what exactly do i know about him, and if it was merely my imagination that counted as as friends, when in fact, i really know nothing about him. of course, the shock that accompanied some discoveries i made about this friend was quite huge. i learnt several things about him that i had already convinced myself otherwise. it was as though i was hearing about a completely new person ive never met before, but in truth, it was the very same person that i thought it was reasonable to say we were pretty good buddies.

but i guess i was wrong about that as well. of course, when confronted with new information, i naturally wanted to find out if it was all true. i made the unfortunate assumption that this friend wouldnt lie to me. again i was wrong, because he preferred to hide the truth rather that face it, and preferred to keep me in the dark and worried, rather than let me have some peace of mind. im not angry with this person, im past that already. im just sorely disappointed. i usually respect the decision of my friends to keep something from me, but when i see no reason why it should be so, i begin to wonder if we really can trust each other. i guess i trusted this person too much, and hoped that this trust will be returned. im sad that i somehow could never live up to whatever expectations that this friend may have had for me.

and i really find that i do not know who he is anymore. does he?

i cant believe im back here again

2005-09-05T13:12:00.000+08:00

anyway, because repetition creates emphasis: i cant believe im back here again. i really am genuinely sick of trying to study when it clearly isnt going to happen. there is a huge temptation to drop everything (like its hot! ... NOT) because then there will be an excuse not to have done well. but alas! i am not going to give in to temptation as usual, and that is truly mind-boggling. just like how every one of my days seem to pass by without any fanfare, or anything worthy of mention. at the end of each day i lie on my bed and think about where my day has gone to, and find that i cannot come to a conclusion. everything seems to be a random jumble of events.

at times i wonder what life wouldve been if i had chosen to take a different path, the other fork in the road or even the other turning at a junction. say perhaps if id chosen to accept my posting to vjc instead of fighting for a place in rj. it scares me, somewhat, to think about such possibilities because they are endless. but it is also disturbing to think that they were important milestones in my life, and that whatever decision i had chosen to undertake would be something i will have to live with for the rest of my life. i do wonder, if life would be any different, if it would be any better, or any worse, had i chosen a different route.

at other times i think about how each breath could be my last, and that i may not see the light of tomorrow. the worse thing about this is that it isnt even a choice. but im glad we all die sometime. i dont think i could keep myself entertained for any longer than a hundred odd years.

im very tired now. theres Twenty Four Days Left. sometime someday, ill wonder where all that time went to. and it will be comical, somehow.

where has all that time gone

2005-09-02T14:19:00.000+08:00

i counted today, and was rather startled when i discovered that promos are exactly four weeks away. discounting the fact that today has more or less gone by without being particularly productive in any way, this means that i have TwentySevenDays left. which is quite a short time considering i havent started at all for lit and other subjects still leave much to be desired. this is altogether extremely dismal.

on another note, i think im lagging behind very badly on birthday presents. im not sure why my moneygoes to; it goes somewhere alright, just that i dont know where, and as a result i frequently find myself short of cash when i shouldnt be. and ive missed so many birthdays i feel absolutely guilty. i shall have to make up for all of this during christmas.

which i just realised, will be a very broke time for me since i intend to purchase for myself a new computer, since my 4 year old computer (well, almost four) has crashed once more. i have unilaterally decided to sell it to a scrapyard, failing that or give it to K. guess i feel kinda pissed that my parents, once more, are taking a very nonchalant stance about this. i mean, its clear that i dont use the com as much as i used to before and i can very well live w/o it. the thing is, when i do need to use the com, i find that i cant. because theres something wrong with it, or because i need to use the net an my brother is using it. but i dont have a problem w the latter - in fact if not for my brother i wouldnt be blogging off his laptop right now. but anyway, my parents only want to do something about the com once something nasty has happened to it. and dont forget the fact that its several years old and even then it wasnt top of the line. it actually is a hand me down from my parents themselves. so, since they persistently refuse to do anything more than address the problem once it becomes crippling, i have concluded that it will be futile to keep rehauling the system every few months. it makes no economic sense and besides, i rathernot get nagged at for ruining the com or anything like that.

meanwhile i gotta eat some dinner, and read freakonomics. im obese now i tell you, obese.

oh no

2005-08-28T04:48:00.000+08:00

i havent been here in a very long time. been stuck in school till late every day slogging my ass off for the exams - much to the disbelief of my several, who are finding it hard to believe that i really am studying, not that i blame them since any form of academic assesment after the CT's havent exactly reflected the amount of effort im bothering to put in.

back to work then.

happy national day

2005-08-10T04:46:00.000+08:00

many weeks ago, i wouldve thought that id be waking up just about now in a room that wasnt mine, in a house that wasnt mine. but that didnt happen and i opened my eyes a few hours ago to see the familiar ceiling overhead and the sudden disappearance of my ipod from its usual perch on the bedside cupboard (now also a common occurence). yes i didnt go gotham last night and i almost regret it. but only almost. at least i saved money, more or less anyway.

so today is another boring day, it being national day, and i realised that its the first time in years that im home on the ninth of august, previous years seeing me in malaysia mostly. not that it makes much of a difference, except that now that im home i get to use the com and my mobile phone, perks unknown in malaysia due to my lack of autoroam for instance.

but im bored. i shall vacuum the carpets soon and then see if theres anything interesting to watch on the telly.

boredom

2005-08-07T12:27:00.000+08:00

blogsurfing, i am beginning to detect startling similarities between A's blog and XX's. not that it's very wrong, but i guess i get the impression that A's trying very hard to imitate XX, and i'd say that it's working apart from the fact that the readership just isn't there yet. but it's a winning formula - the photos, the random photoshop-ed stuff, long winding passages about the most inane of things. its worth i laugh i suppose, because it is rather amusing. i guess it serves it's purpose to entertain the reader, so well done you. in fact i shall do A a favour and advertise it here:

haha. ohwell. A really is quite funny sometimes - not weird funny but funny funny, in a funny way.

(1) watched pagoda street yesterday night, it was randomly funny at times. was pleasantly surprised by A's and R's acting, which i expected to be far worse. so, well done i suppose. H was smiling and laughing at us at the start! how funny.

(2) dramafeste @ ri was a week or so ago - yes it was exactly a week ago i remember now. the boys did an ok job for what they had so i guess well done too, and to the rest as well who won whatever they did. hurrah.

(3) i watched friday a few nights back, on vcd. and i thought we were pretty damn good - having never seen the performance before. really missed the whole experience, and yet im still disappointed. i guess i had expected more from it.

(4) scholarship day this morning - freebies galore. i felt like such an aunty.

at this juncture i realise that ive forgotten everything that has been happening for the past three weeks, making this a terrible update of everything thats been happening so far. yawn. i shall go back to sleep.

idle

2005-08-02T08:35:00.000+08:00

in the library now, NOT studying. didnt really bring anything to do, which was a huge mistake, but i honestly thought that i did. and then i realised that i should update myself on the things that have been going on online for the past week or so. and it was quite boring. trying to keep up with the rest of the world is a tiring past time. which i have just gotten bored of, so, bye. i shall find myself a couch to sleep on.

sorrysorry

2005-07-26T14:16:00.000+08:00

really sorry that its been a week since i last blogged - this entry isnt going to be a proper one either. ive just been really busy with stuff and caught up in work and trying to catch up on all the past semester's work - especially for math. there's just too much to be done and im feeling extremely insecure about things. headache headache. going to sleep as soon as im done with this email - nites then - ill blog properly soon promise.

of memories unwanted

2005-07-19T07:44:00.000+08:00

i did a very interesting thing a couple of minutes ago which basically involved visiting and olg blog of mine. and i realise now just how disgusting i was a couple of years back and i would have hated myself with as much will as the rest who didnt like me very much did. the worst thing is that all this is part of my history and part of who ive grown up to become and it just amazes me that things can be so different after only a few years. then again this might just be another delusion that im indulging in, and that perhaps im still that hateful person that invited as much hatred on his own as well. i seriously cant believe that really was me, for some reason or other.

if it really was me, then i truly have grown alot as id like to believe. as something that documented my life, the blog was extremely useful in keeping track of my daily life and all i did was, according to the blog, spend money and create trouble and boast about this and that and be insensitive to everyone and anybody. i hope that all this has made me a wiser, if not better person. i sincerely hope that ive changed and moved on from that person only just a few years ago. i cannot bear to think otherwise, that a few years down the road, ill look back at the JC me and think that i was yet another selfish prick anyway and no change had come by me at all.

reading that blog once again, i understand now, what never to be, and remember now, what never to do. but we all make mistakes. let that not be mine.

just another mofo after all

2005-07-12T15:50:00.000+08:00

im having so many bad days now i dont know why. got really pissed off today at H, but that subsided cos he's rather innocent and didnt really know what to do, i give him that much. got pissed at P and S - its like theres some elaborate ploy to just make this part of my life in RJ as miserable as it can possibly be. come on man it's just not fair. was especially pissed at S - i felt damn betrayed cos of all people i wouldve expected her to understand the sort of circumstances that prompted me to decide to do what i did that day - i mean she was there with me and the rest of us for god's sake. as if the heat i'd gotten earlier from DPIO wasn't enough i have to keep getting my commitment thrown into doubt and disrepute when honestly - prior to DPIO i don't think this was the case.

whats changed since DPIO then? i wonder. if theres anybody to blame other than myself it should be everyone who's been questioning my commitment. you dont know me man so just fuck off. you dont know who i am, you dont know what i go through, you dont know my problems, you dont know what drives me, you dont know shit so dont try to get the moral highground here ok. im damn pissed because each time you cast doubt on where my priorities lie you make we wanna drop all this shit once and for all even more. i dont need this sort of pressure ok, i dont need an added source of stress. im a decent person i dont need you to tell me that im not and that i cant be trusted. and im fucking pissed that you can judge me that way - just stop and think lah ok, how would you feel if you were in my shoes.

you must think that im very happy right? well im not. and i hope youre satisfied now that youve succeeded in making me feel miserable all over again. im damn tired now lah ok, i dont need to explain myself all the time like this. it just isnt fair to demand something like that from me. im trying my best to feel upbeat about everything now and about our upcoming plans and stuff but i just cant because i keep feeling pissed and angry about everything. i am damn fucking pissed lah im fucking fucking upset ok. fuck.

you want me to leave jst say it lah fuck it.

fuck you man fuck all of you. just piss off.

exhaustion

2005-07-11T14:35:00.000+08:00

i am very tired.

anyway. i realised today that ive been trying to detach myself from all my commitments and responsibilities.. because im afraid now that if i invest too much in something, the fall will be all the more harder. cant take anymore emotional battering i guess and physically im at my worst this weekend as well. i feel like i just got outta boot camp or something and im aching everywhere. P mentioned today that everyones been noticing that ive not been myself lately. hai shit man i just didnt expect this to hurt that much that's all - i mean - i thought i could handle it no matter which way it swung but i guess im wrong. now im just withdrawing quietly from everything because its all jsut so tiring. getting involved in too much just to create a false sense of importance has finally resulted in me being exhausted this year.

and usually when that happens i feel even more motivated to do everything properly but this year its just not the same. i feel like just dropping everything and staying home with myself. i know ill never disappoint myself even moreso than i already have. shit man i feel damn rubbish now. im not even sure what im despairing about right now. im tired of giving. i just want something back ok? im tired. i know this probably sounds damn selfish but whateverthefuck lah. i miss being perfectly content, even if it was just on the outside.

i want to sleep.

...

me: so you didnt go in the pool?
cc: no i just sat up there with the rest of the menstruating women.

busy

2005-07-09T16:57:00.000+08:00

food poisoning. blood tests. jabs. medicine. hospital. bad business.

i just realised that beyond all that i really dont have anything to say. had a really bad week, all of the above aside, and im alomst glad its coming to a close. but im really sad cos i really was hoping for a very different week - one that would make me happy and pleased about being me. this whole week ive been preoccupied with considering what itll be like if i wasnt me i.e. if i could change things about myself, and what these things would be. i guess it shouldnt really shock me if there are things that i do want changed, but im a little surprised that theres so little i want to remain the same.

got back random results for CT's. not the best results in my lifetime but ill live. and each time i think about them, and i begin to wonder why i couldnt have been that much smarter and do that much better. and then i start wondering about everything else and why i cant be better in everyway than what i am now. i cant appreciate anything less than perfection and i guess ive still yet to except that nobody can be perfect, much less me, no matter how much i wish otherwise. many times ive thought that people were perfect and decided otherwise within a short while later. come to think of it, theres only two people whom ive thought they were perfect for a prolonged period of time. and for one of them, i still think so.

i never understood how people can fall out of love. whether youre in a relationship or not - how does one just stop feeling for another person? many times i look back and wonder why things didnt work out in the past.. looking for an answer that i will never find for quite some time. and then old feeligns that i thought were gone come back and i realise that i miss H more than i thought i did and nobody will know that more than i do. when i look at the pictures.. the letters.. the movie stubs. things like that. little things like that, that have a very precious memory attached to it. ive too many of these things. too many.

i miss having someone around. but there isnt anybody to keep me company tonight. cept' the dark.

zzzz.

2005-07-06T15:31:00.000+08:00

me: hey where you guys changing?
p & y: at the toilet outside the geog room.
me: do i have a toilet there too?
p & y: yeah duh why would they have onloy female toilets lying around?!
me: i dont know, maybe they think only girls take geog.

anyway that happened just before PE, and yes i went for PE. had some lecture about the olympics where i was the only enthusiastic one answering all the questions. got back econs mcq. a B. will probably get back geog tomorrow, not looking forward to it by a longshot. ok tired. nothing else to add. bye.

fuhgeddit

2005-07-05T13:02:00.000+08:00

never had a worse weekend this year just yet. im going to sit under ther the shower and let the cold water wash everything away.

o time thou art a strumpet

2005-07-03T15:38:00.000+08:00

wheres that from again. the line just sticks in my head. oh yeah hamlet. random.

anyway i was just thinking, that if the world were to end tomorrow, ill regret spending today the way i did, which was mostly in a state of misery and dissatisfaction. i dont get pissed for a long time easily. it usually just passes on as a phase does, and its just a fleeting moment of anger or something like that. but today was just different. lotsa pent up frustrations, lotsa deepset dissatisfactions, lotsa mixed feelings, lotsa conflicting emotions. guess i felt very left out and very peripheral today - not among the best feelings in the world no doubt about that. was wondering if i did something wrong, or maybe that there was something that i was lacking. when i went all quiet in the train i really was thinking about alot of things. as thinking goes, you never really get your answers. i wish the CTs were still around; they sufficiently occupy me so that i dont have time for all this.

blogsurfing today. ended up at XX's blog. that woman can Really Bitch about the most inconsequential things in the world. at some point in time, this was rather amusing and it genuinely was an entertaining read. unfortunately however it has degenerated into a mass of incomprehensible unamusingintheleastbit day by day account - interesting life no doubt - but its now extremely overrated, unlike it was before. this is of course, my own personal opinion etc.etc. refer to disclaimer on the right.

had a most amusing rp comm meeting thanks to CC who is an endless source of quirky things nobody else would every think of saying. and we were debating whether mr. P really said "motherfucking bastards" yesterday when he scolded the exam hall for talking too much. after which J raised a very good question - if you catch someone for talking shouldnt you be catching two people. i mean, who talks to themselves right. all the same i don't think he should've reprimanded everyone. i mean his fucking phone rang during the fucking exam and it was loud enough for the hall to hear it. isn't that quite rude as well? stupid expats, think they can get away with anything just cos theyre white. this is another personal opinion of mine. don't take my word for it please. L had a brainwave and suggested that perhaps he said "most delicious custard" - only problem is, custard is completely incongrous to whatever he was saying before that, so its highly unlikely that he did.

okay ive run out of things to say - officially.

and R, im sorry. moods.

enough

2005-07-02T14:55:00.000+08:00

PC:

we got larkin and forster, and out of habit i did poetry and didnt give forster a second glance - which apparently was a mistake, since forster is usually easy according to J, then again what isn't to J?

in a very off mood now anyways. not studying has left me with no direction in life and theres nothing to do, and suddenly i feel all the more lonelier. i dont even have my notes for company this time. my table feels empty and life meaningless - that sounded weird. but i mean, during all that study and random things like that its just a matter of telling myself that ill get down to doing other things and thinking about other stuff when im finished with the CTs, but apparently this was an elaborate scheme generated by yours truly to fool yours truly into being motivated to study.

ok i really havent any mood to blog at all right now. fuck it.

PC

2005-06-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

so theres another paper left. but its not really a paper.

anyway, math was quite dismal - but its okay cos its math. and cos the arts fac average is O. so ill fall nicely somewhere along that curve. ok im very bored, i shall leave this entry here and come back later.

two more to go.

2005-06-30T09:51:00.000+08:00

one of them being math, which is tomorrow. was in a fit of orgasmic joy when i found all my notes and tutorials - i actually found all but one, can you believe that? i i genuinely thought i had discarded them somewhere previously. well, in a sense i did, i found three sets of notes under my bed obscured by a layer of dust and hidden from my view by some paper bags. i have a feeling i chucked them there for convinience sake one day - so that i can conviniently forget they existed. i was mildly amused when i read what i had scribbled on my notes in an effort to stay awake, and even moreso at what others had doodled on them - for example, S who scrawled "J's hairy balls" on my first tutorial. ah, good times, good times.

and the last paper, being PC, is unstudiable (is there such a word?), so CT effectively ends tomorrow. shall just put in a bit of effort in looking for the list of technical terms i drew up and always scan through before a PC paper. speaking of which, i like mr W, my paper eight teacher cos at least he's sincere about what he's teaching, unlike some bitches who can't teach for nuts and is a complete bitch to everyone. seriously woman, you're not as smart as you think you are. but enough about that disgusting old chimp - one day she will wither away and die and that will be a very glorious day indeed. at times like this, i really regret not studying that much harder and perhaps - ill still be in humans - but enough wishful thinking for the day - i like my class. they are funny. haha.

anyway i have a bone to pick with some people - it pisses me off so much when people dont remember you for what you have contributed to their lives. its just as though youve just breezed past them, with the slightest of contact - as though you were just mere acquaintances anyway, nothing more. but its alright. ive come to understand that all you dipshits can go fuck off and die. dont know why i still try to make an active contribution to your lives when its clearly not wanted.

oh lit was rubbish. i ought to shower.

yeouchhh

2005-06-29T06:38:00.000+08:00

1) econs:

quite disastrous. mcq answers were stabs in the dark. and property prices was full of bull.

2) rp meeting:

this freaking weekend. POST COMMON TEST WEEKEND. wth.

3) geog:

even more disastrous. had no idea how to answer qn 3, which sadly was compulsory. limestone granite nonsense. geog is honestly the most random subject in the world.

4) lit:

trying to read m4m now. will read frost later. somehow.

5) math:

havent done math all hols. dead dead dead.

---

okay that aside, C , S and i sat down today after the paper and chitchatted for two hours, mainly discussing how everyone looked like some animal of some sort. and so we basically reduced peoples faces to a couple of types.

for guys:
1) poser face
2) perverted/lecherous look
a) the uncle kind
b) the playboy type
3) communist face
4) typical chinese boy face
5) rodent
6) hatchetface
7) drink milk face
8) simply animal-like

for girls:
1) slut look
2) spoilt brat face
3) bitchy
4) drink milk type
5) foot reflexologist kind
6) goddess of fertility/sexuality/agriculture (V!)
7) radiant
8) ah soh type

okay haha whatever. anyway.. it was kinda fun and funny. we should do this more often. apart frm that today was rather uneventful - feel really sorry for R cos he only did one essay question when he was supposed to to do two - and he was feeling very happy cos he thought that he had extra time - ah well ignorance is bliss after all. anyway SW and SV's coming back in a few days! guess thats something to look forward to this weeken- KNN CCB i forgot - rp meeting. what a way to kick off postCT weekend lah. hai. i wont be so uptight about it normally but this time i really planned the weekend already - its very upsetting to have a sudden intrusion into plans like this. crap.

ok time for some m4m. brb later.

one down, four more to go

2005-06-28T14:58:00.000+08:00

things to be unhappy about:

1) econs
2) rp meeting
3) geog
4) lit
5) math

shit but ive no time to blog now. ok ill just leave this post here as a reminder.

c:
A says he wants his uniform back and you owe him some undies too

me:
haha WHAT UNDIES

c:
he says can you find those with crotch webbing
fishnet crotch
so he can scartch his pubes easily

i want ck boxers
and uniformmm
and sex

A's anus is kinda tight
i used planta peanut butter but alot of the chunky bits got stuck

a:
C's ding dong damnn tiny

c:
bullshit la
its humongous
like
| <----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> |

me:
tts humonguous?

c:
UNERECT
i have big meat!

random

2005-06-26T17:29:00.000+08:00

m:
i was like smilign from cheek to cheek (ass cheeks included0

tomorrow. wtf.

2005-06-26T15:48:00.000+08:00

not ready. not ready. bye.

6 days

2005-06-23T03:13:00.000+08:00

j:
so do you want me to stop you at old tampines road?
what buses can you take there? (names a series of buses)

h:
eh i cant take any of those buses.
oh.. so you live at old tampines road..

j:
yes isnt that where you want to be dropped?

h:
eh no my favourite road is tampines road (old).

yes, he actually said tampines road old, bracket.

...

anyway my house is officially a warzone now. it looks like a third world country gone wrong - theres dust everywhere and sharp things on the ground, with piles of rubble lying in random places. looks like weve been hit by some serious shelling. of course they call it renovation. i really hope it wont last very long. its so irritating to have to be cooped up all day in my room jus because its the only place where theres no dust, and when i want lunch i realise that theres not really any food or what and that the microwave is somewhere under all that dust, jus that i cant really be bothered to look for it. and dont even TALK about a stove cos we dont have one anymore since yesterday. and the bathing! now has to be done in my mums toilet. and i jus realised that its a brilliant excuse for my parents to make me come home earlier! cos now theyve banned our usage of the loo afer ten pm, which means that i must be home a little before then in time to take a coming-home bath. and the water heater is dead and nonexistent so its cold showers all the way. sucks having to share the toilet with 4 other people now - but the light at the end of the tunnel looks.. promising! a new toilet. cant wait. peeked at some of the tiles - they looked quite pretty. i want a pretty toilet! apparently the new toilet bowl is in black or something like that - sounds quite sleek and nice.

okay and umm class gathering was quite fun actually - we had lotsa fatting food thansk to mrs L who got for us the most fatladen mee siam and lontong in the world. good food no doubt man, very good stuff. and we played hotels and risk and PS2 and whadayya know? T and Q from next door class came over as well and so did mr O - so it was really good fun i say - the dudes even tried to play wallball in her backyard! and H and i tried to take lotsa pics but we didnt succeed. hmmm the lontong was really yummy haha. im so sorry im not being very descriptive but the food was really nice. oh and i remember taking double shots of several photos because R has this habit of shutting his eyes when the flash goes on - so i was so surprised when i found a photo with him and his eyes open! surprise surprise. especially since the photo showed evidence of flash being on.

it was really funny - we remenisced about how the piano used to be in a different position and we were gossiping a whole goddamn much it was really entertaining. and all trips to her place cant go without almost getting lost, which we did haha. i swear i counted ten stops and didnt miscount okokok. grrr. but thankfully we were wiser this time and asked someone for directions, and made sure that someone wasnt a maid like the one we asked two years ago. haha. ah well. good times, good times.

one week

2005-06-21T14:49:00.000+08:00

on PCIP:

me:
toilet brush is SO fugly

matin:
haha. YES. totally. ugh. puke

me:
wth did Y come in
is that how you spell her name

matin:
yes
she didnt bother to dress

me:
i see her in PE kit
omg

matin:
just some FUGLY tee

me:
shudve banned her from coming

matin:
its a tee shirt with a babi on top
well. then again i came in normal clothes
and ppl transformed me

me:
hahaha
into a slut
then again
it was always within you

matin:
!!!!!!!!!
haha
shit lar.. why am i so slutty
WHY WHY
WHYYYYYYYYYY

...

the Things we wonder about before we go to sleep.

...

on another note im fucking pissed. ive to stay at home tomorrow cos the contractors are going to be at my house, which is being renovated. i tell you this whole renovation business is happening at the worst time possible. just How are we supposed to be sharing toilets with our parents every single morning for a whole fricking month - i.e. rushing every morning for a space taht will obviously hold priority for the parents, who already have a fricking car to ship them where they need to go every morning. like wtf then tomorrow im supposed to keep like watch, when im supposed to be studying. wow. utter brilliance. i should just study in the middle of jurong island if what i want to hear is things claging about and noisy jackhammer-like fuckshits. annoyed. annoyed.

i am also annoyed that today i was hunting for the pair of 506s that i wanted but motherfuckers didnt have them in stock anymore - apparently they dont make it anymore in that particular colour. like, wtf. then dont display lah knn?!!?! i was deeply traumatised - i mean while this meant that i had one less bottom to buy, this also means that ive no new pair of jeans that i wanted. but anyway i bought a new pair of trunks cos i went swimming today and decided i should move on from the bods.bodynits trunks, which i was beginning to outgrow. however the new black arenas (which i bought cos they match my bag - duh) are not much bigger but at least they feel more comfy. but fuck lah 506s wtf are you!

today was damn tiring lah. im damn tired and damn damn damn pissed that tmr's plans are wrecked cos of like - contractors. like. what. w.h.a.t. seriously and i have to wake up earlier than usual tmr to have my final bath in my current toilet, which is about to be decimated soon. AND they turned off the gas already which means a useless stove and hence thank goodness i ate before i came home. instant noodles is now officially my new best friend. wtf lah. this is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissifying. im just going to sleep now cos im tired as a.. nevermind. im tired. BYE.

anw last words:

matin:
im so nto a whore lah. im just expressive abt my whorish desires
haha
everyones a whore

wishful thinking.

nunatak

2005-06-20T06:54:00.000+08:00

A nunatak is a mountain top that never has been covered by land ice (glaciation, ice age) or glaciers. The wildlife on a nunatak can be isolated by the surrounding glacier, just like an island is in the ocean.

The word is borrowed from the Inuit language and has been used in west European languages at least since the 1880s.

courtesy of wikipedia.

nine days to common tests

2005-06-19T15:38:00.000+08:00

and most of us are still stuck here not studying like yours truly. but anyway i opened my cupboard today and realised that i really have been shopping this month. at last count i bought seven tops (most recently the two tees from esprit which were a steal at 20 bucks each), a guess belt in white leather (at last!), havaianas in white and my arena acrylic bag in black. oh and a shoe bag. this however doesnt mean ive run out of things i want to purchase, although it does more or less mean im fricking broke. i still want a new pair of shoes (camper! though there is no chance in hell im going to afford a pair of those any time soon so zara or beetlebug, which have good shoes too, will have to do), a new wallet (mine tore lahh dammit, i thought braun buffels Dont Tear, but evidently theyre not invincible. so im using a money clip now, and its damn irritating cos ive nowhere to put my coins, so it makes it very easy for H to poach them to take his bus rides home haha The Bitch), a new cap (topmans waaayyyyyy pricey though theyve the caps i want. shucks lahh.), levi's 506 (havent checked if theyre on sale now but its slightly less than a hundred so thats good.) and dress pants (from zara! for 89.90, which is rather expensive but its rather nice actually, and i need dress pants badly so yah.).

went to the gym this morning and ive been feeling sore and sleepy the whole day afterward - so didnt get any studying done. just slept alot - which is quite tragic. commons are in nine days, time passed so quickly nobody really realised it. was feeling rather nostalgic today too actually - i was looking for a card that M wrote me sometime back - couldnt find it, but i decided to look around the things that i kept in my shoeboxes. see, i keep lotsa stuff in my shoeboxes - not shoes lah but things that carry some sort of significance in some point in my life for eg. cards, notes, letters, pictures, scripts, newspaper cuttings, movie stubs, play stubs, programmes and stuff liddat. ive a few shoeboxes of stuff from my RI days and now if i dont feel like throwing something, in it goes.

and so i looked through the stuff and i was actually feeling very sad, obviously. one day ill get down to cataloguing all the stuff i have there but i dont think i will - theres some fun in looking through the stuff and finding things i never knew existed in there. for eg. today i discovered this black piece of construction paper that had the words cheer up written in white chalk on it - D had written it during o2 cos i was really down after getting my posting results to vjc and i was damn quite and moody in the corner. i rmb being rlly cheered up somehow - cos i was so amused. and in that same shoebox i also found this slip of paper saying A has been excused from college from 9am to 12pm, with teh vjc stamp on it. haha. ill always keep that as a reminder of how i was a student there for a few hours that fateful day, and how something like that should never ever happen again.

ah well - i felt really down for awhile cos i missed those days back in ri, when everything seemed perfect because i was in love. haha. i msged H a few days back asking if we could ever be friends again, but there was no reply. as it has been for the past one and a half years. i guess ive got my answer.

chatting w M about life now and how it was so long ago. so weird that it seems so far away yet it seems to have passed so quickly. class gathering at mrs L's tmr, cant wait really. havent seen some of these people in ages and i actually miss them alot. i really miss the way things were, just like how ill probably miss the way things are now when im a few years down the road. ah well. sleepiness descends. i shall try some mugging before calling it a day.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
i was this damn quiet kid.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
and my mom was sadistic.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
she made me wear all these DAMN WEIRD UGLY SHIT

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
omg.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
like, i used to wear A BONNET.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
like, wtf.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
who the hell wears a freaggin bonnet.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
like freggin old mother hubbard.

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan whatever lahh jus study lahh " says:
HAHAHAHAHAH

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan whatever lahh jus study lahh " says:
a WHAT

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan whatever lahh jus study lahh " says:
ohmyfuckingbananas

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
yeah.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
and my mom liked me to wear berms and baggy shirts when i was a kid.

· mooks · hey all pls gimme ur hp numbers - phone got stolen. says:
she said i looked hip.

crapp

2005-06-16T16:33:00.000+08:00

i actually had something in mind to blog about, but i forgot what it was. nevermind. ill run through my day and see if anything comes to mind along the way.

i woke up at ten this morning and was greeted by the rain. how terrible. so i decided to sleep for another hour and voila the rain was gone - how blessed. but it also meant that i had to drag my tired body outta bed and get ready to go to hougang gym - a place which i havent visited since godknowswhen. M and i reached the place at about 1245 and we met H there. spent a decent one hour there before going to holland v to meet S. and later C came along. was trying to study but H was extremely distracting with him trying to teach everyone physics when hes an arts student, and eventually we ended up just talktalktalking and bitchbitchbitching. hence the day wasnt as productive as it could have been.

sitting at my com now and have been trying to study again but not succeeding. this is really tragic - ive never had to study in june before so this is a really new thing to me and im not being very good at it at all. been having semi-meaningful conversations with people online. i suppose thats one good thing that has transpired tonight. otherwise i think ill go to bed and try to read up on slope profiles before calling it a day - and facing the silence of the beforeyoufallasleepmisery.

· when you walk home from the party drunk on bacardi · says:
call me if you need anything alright.

· when you walk home from the party drunk on bacardi · says:
24hr service.

· when you walk home from the party drunk on bacardi · says:
:)

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
you sound like a whore

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
haha.

sometimes

2005-06-15T15:31:00.000+08:00

we underestimate our impact on the lives of those around us. and likewise, we underestimate the impact of other people on our lives, and think that we can do away with them, but we discover that the role these people play is far bigger than we think. if we've bothered to think about it that is. and when we lose these people, or these things (maybe) it begins to hit us hard how complex our lives are, and how we are all interdependant in some way or other on all those around us. as much as we'd like to think that were all independant people and that we need nobody, i think that's far from the truth. for me anyway.

somehow something M mentioned last nuight comes to mind. it was something to do with how we can think that we've gotten over someone, or we may really have, but it still hurts all the same when we learn that that someone has another person in his/her life. its as though we were hanging on to something or other that we refused to acknowledge, or that we didnt know existed. its been that way these past few days. holidays are just bad. they put you alone with yourself far too often, and like i told R, i dont like soulsearching cos i always find things that i dont want to.

you know, sometime ago i learnt the power of lying to one's self - where telling yourself something almost necessitates and unconscious acknowledgement of that beign the truth, even though it may not always be the entire truth, or it might just be a complete lie. i realise that we tell ourselves small lies each day, because it is not within our comfort zones to accept the truth at that particular point in time. we lie to ourselves alot, i know i do, and somehow eventually, these lies have become a part of my life, a part of my history. i find that so many memories have somehow created themselves, and now when im ready to confront them, i realise that i cant bring myself to do so because these lies have become truths that my life has grounded itself upon, and that im far too afraid of what may happen if i decide to do something about it.

i dont like looking into the past, like i have so many times these hols, because the past always holds two things - good memories and bad memories. good memories make you want them back, and bad memories make you feel miserable anyway, so whats there thats good in the past? it just makes me feel miserable about the future, which ive never really felt enthusiastic about anyway, so why make it worse right? right. im not exactly sure where this pensive mood takes root - wait actually i am - but id rather not type it out. spelling it out in coherent sentences has a way of making it seem all the more real and imposing somehow.

on another note, theres plenty to be done in the next few days. this game is getting too tiring - i know i cant keep running away from myself but id rather run as much as i can, maybe ill forget who i am, but whoever said that was a bad thing? i want to run as far as i can. and someday - ill make it there. wherever there may be.

a few days

2005-06-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

wow so many things have happened in the past few days. really too tired to list them all out, but needless to say, ive had a very very very fulfilling weekend (starting thursday till sunday) - and i wish that every weekend was like this. life would be perfect. well, almost. and that's good enough. umm randomly, rav was good. saw quite a few people there, and some whom i didnt expect to see. oh well. things change, and people do.

fuck i wanted to blog properly but my mind is seriously bogged down by alot of stuff and i cant really think clearly right now for some reason or other. seriously - dont make me think harder than i have to man, and dont choose to ask weird things when im in a disturbed mood. its not the best idea. ill end up giving an unsatisfactory reply to everything, and will regret it later eventually, as i always end up doing. how shitty is that.

anyway i just learnt my house was going to renovated - or at least the kitchen, service balcony and toilet are. which would take one month. kinda dreading it cos this means sharing the toilet in my parents room, which means rushing in the morning. considering bathing in sch after running the mornings each day. keeping fit and not having to fight for showering time sounds like a good proposition to me.

this means shifting the furniture around the house : for eg. my fridge is now eher my com used to be in the hall. what in the world. so, the com im using now, is actually in my brothers room. cant wait for everything to be ready and back to normal - i hope the new toilet is suitably gorgeous. so i would want to spend lotsa time in the loo and enjoying my baths properlyly.

anyhow - i think that im going to fail CTs. or do very badly. but the worst thing is i cant even bring myself to study. im so distracted from my books. sigh. shit lah. this has got to be one of the best and worst weekends of my life actually. ive not had a better one in awhile, and not had a worse one in quite some time too. its so anoying how things liddat can be so double sided. why cant things be purely good or purely bad. makes choosing between things so much easier.

random - M jus where are you now that i need you, shucks. its so weird how we either talk abou the most frivolous of things, or we converse about our innermost insecurities. life is weird. okay fuck im really damn tired now. i should sleep. bye.

signs - maxine lammokins this is all your fault

2005-06-09T16:47:00.000+08:00

yamz - to err is human says:
ah

yamz - to err is human says:
im so screwed for cts

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
well, STUDY

yamz - to err is human says:
wow, that usually is the way pple score rite?

yamz - to err is human says:
haha

yamz - to err is human says:
yah i know

yamz - to err is human says:
i have to push now

yamz - to err is human says:
wif rmun next week

yamz - to err is human says:
quite problematic

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
i know! but my font is so fucking cute!

but it is i swear!

junyi. incendio inflammarae. says:
n i gathered 57 pages of research n still counting!

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
OMG

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
wow

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
tts alot

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
tts like

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
57!

and my vocab is getting increasingly impaired! this is baddddd.

so much for being fruitful

2005-06-08T15:48:00.000+08:00

ok. since i sat down just now ive not done an ounce of work. sigh this is so very bad. and shums jsut told me nobody from her class has started mugging yet - and this is genuinely quite scary. i feel almost guilty not relaxing and enjoying my holiday in some slackish fashion. and its very tempting to just not bother to study and so when i do badly i know why, and if i do well itll just be a bonus. but no, cannot. such a bad attitude cannot take over me again. i shouldve learnt from my O's to realise that having such lousy work ethics will get me absolutely nowhere (or rather to VJC) and no way in hell am i ready to experience that sort of harrowing encounter all over again.

that said i realise that my holiday is quite pathetic. once more im just staying in singapore - mainly due to my reluctance to go anywhere which doesnt have starhub reception, and anywhere too far from all you people. so really ive nothing else to do but get down to some work. too broke to shop properly. and ive no idea whats on the telly. and until R gets ungrounded i can't watch my OC. and im to lazy to ask M to burn for me DH too. shit i lead such a fricking lazy life. and i feel fat - and thats so bad. shit. i havent engaged in any physical activity in aproximately 1893471293847234.8317947834 days. no wonder i feel obese already.

oh and i bought a razor cos i was irritated by my sideburns. usually ill just shave at someone else's but i was so annoyed with my sideburns that i just had to shave the offending bits off cos they were so irritating and unsightly and weird. so whenever i feel insecure now i just reach up to feel that my sideburns are now properly shaven and i feel much better. anyway soon i may not have sideburns to shave off since im eating maggi at a rate of at least a pack a day (or in todays case, three) so my hair might all fall off soon enough.

ah, alas.

fruitful day

2005-06-08T11:14:00.000+08:00

today was a really good day at the books! more or less anyway. i managed to read through about half of that stupid thick stack of geog notes - so that amounts to about 150 pages. can you believe it? neither can i. anyway my parents just left for msia a few hours back and my bro isnt home and my younger bro's at camp so ive the house to myself for a little while again. but yeah i think i shall watch some dvds now haha or catch up on some telly. berightback.

and btw:

vespertine* and watch the world spinning gently out of time says:
let the plane crash and everyone except him be saved

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
hahahaha so mean

vespertine* and watch the world spinning gently out of time says:
nah he doesnt have to die cos i dont want the ghostinthemirror crap

vespertine* and watch the world spinning gently out of time says:
i just want him to get stranded somewhere where otters will force him to shag them all day long in exchange for uhh raw fish

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
EWWWW hahahahahah EWWWWW omg

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
EWWWW

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
PRIYA

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
ew.

vespertine* and watch the world spinning gently out of time says:
his secret sexual fantasy

vespertine* and watch the world spinning gently out of time says:
which he disclosed to me cos im his best friend now

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
hahahahahaha

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
omg

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
HAHAHA

nauxian ` hullettian ` hadleyan baby let me love you " says:
tts going to my blog

back from supper

2005-06-07T15:39:00.000+08:00

and i learnt that my father is so cute! haha he is so funny i swear - and we always make fun of him - i know! we're such bad kiddos. anyway im very sure i dont say this very often but i love my parents! despite everything, i think theyre like bestestest. ok im being so random. my dad is so funny! he still bothers to hide behind pillars to scare us - andand my mum is so smart and motivated i really wonder why i didnt inherit that streak from her also. haha i think my parents are so funky! random.

and right i think that my elder bro is frickin selfdisciplined also and he def inherited the selfmotivated streak from mum, while my younger bro reminds me so much of dad. eh i love my family. haha. i dont know why i always get pissed at them though - i realised that my parents are very nice to me still and like my brothers who can be damn bastard sometimes are actually quite nice also haha. shucks i wish we all closer you know - then itll be quite fun! come to think of it right ive never told my parents i loved them or anything - like so paiseh liddat. were so unaffectionate with each other around here but anyway im sure they know despite how bad i am to them i still love them very very much. yayy.

just woke up from my 2472635907418th nap of the day

2005-06-07T12:56:00.000+08:00

and i'm still feeling very tired and lethargic. this is terrible. i haven't done a thing all day and i'm still here searching for something interesting to do online. WAIT A MINUTE - is there like desperate housewives or something in 30 minutes? oh dear this is dismal. ive watched DH only twice, the first time, 10 episodes at one shot, and the next, the following five. tv schedules are so fricking restrictive! how exactly does one follow all the timings anyway. of course, this attitude has led to me having to watch hours of television on the com at one sitting resulting in very very tired eyes. anyway i cant be bothered - ill catch up on DH another day. speaking of which, isnt charmed coming back to channel 5 or something? AND i haven't caught any OC at all in like a million years, shit. this is SO fricking bad i had no idea the situation was this disgusting!

whats worse is that i actually had intended to do something remotely aerobic today but because it was so hot and i was so bloody lazy to begin with, i ended up doing more or less nothing today. shit. oh i read the papers - does that count? i dont think so right. crap. holidays are so nonsensical! i get to pick and choose what to do and i end up doing nothing. how deplorable. in fact - *i* am going to try to study a little now and see how long i can last without itching to touch the keyboard again. okay.. flipping to the correct page of this stupid stack of geog notes now.. omg its so intimidating.. SO MANY WORDS! how come i didnt raelise this before! okay lemme put on some music also.. listening to gotan project - triptico. ok zul let's do this.

OMG i am such an idiot i cant even keep my eyes on the notes for two minutes - each time i see someone sign in i just HAVE to look up and check out who it is. okokok back to work. focus. focus.

okay i msut confess i CANNOT accomplish this! rargh okay whatever this is so irritating. but nevermind - on a brighter note, i moved on a few pages since i started! which is more than i have done for the whole hols, so hurray! okay im hungry. ill grab a bite now and come blog again later. perhaps. FOOD!

yet another day

2005-06-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

sunday's come and gone. woke up at around noon but only really got out of bed just before two. picked up my brothers parcel from singapore post building at paya lebar and came home at four plus. went back to sleep and woke up sometime around seven. did lots of random stuff and here i am now, feeling completely and utterly unaccomplished as a consequence of having only read more or less five pages from the whole stack of geog notes. at this rate i will definitely flunk CTs, which isnt a very good idea really. today was very distressing because yesterday ended on a very foul note.

anyway max and i have decided that we're turning into bimbos since we spent all saturday talking about clothes and shopping, bitching about people and camwhoring. a very disturbing trend really, so were going to consciously remind ourselves to be more intellectual next time and less inane. but being a bimbo is so easy - everythings so nonsensical when youre a bimbo and life becomes rather fun without having to worry about the thousands of things that we worry about now. being silly has its attractions.

anyway my holiday plans are now thrown offbalance - had planned earlier to mug in school with R but since his dad has decided to throw a random tantrum and along the way ban him from travelling down to school to study, looks like i'llbe stuck here at home trying to get whatever little studying done. i swear i cant study at home alone - im highly unmotivated and i'll get nowhere sitting by myself at my desk. studying with someone, or with someone messaging me online or smsing me somehow makes me more focused instead of distracting me.

sigh okay im genuinely quite tired now - perhaps later.

2am

2005-06-05T17:09:00.000+08:00

i wish the rain was falling. then ill sleep under the covers and feel safe in the woolly warmth. when the soft patter of the rain outside is like a lullaby that soothes me to gently sleep as the sun prepares to rise again. when i am all alone in the dark, yet all at home on my bed. there is nothing more to say. it is not raining, but when it does, it pours.

exhausted

2005-06-05T13:11:00.000+08:00

another chapter closed - this time that of malay drama. a responsibility that eventually turned into a labour of love in more ways than one. i guess i feel terribly sad that we only had one night to show for all our efforts which spanned the weeks before, and i thought everyone did fantastically yesterday night, and try as i might i can't believe it was only 24 hours ago that i was feeling completely euphoric because everything had unfolded so beautifully (with some minor hiccups here and there). i felt really, really good. but it eventually dawned upon me that with that, everything was finally over. finally.

actually that feeling more or less haunted me the whole week because although production week was such a blur in my head since it passed so quickly, i understood fully that with each passing minute i was not only closer to production day and seeing my baby staged but i was also inching closer to the end of it all. and it came, and passed and here i am. waking up this morning was different because i didnt have the worries of dwidarma on my shoulders but my heavy heart made it impossible to get myself out of bed. i was too reluctant too wake up and carry furniture and remove the set completely from the PAC - didnt want to physically make it seem so final, that we really had reached the end, and nothings going to change the fact that its come and gone. it wouldve seemed as though we had never come to perform last night, as we leave the PAC the way we had found it - clean, spotless and without a trace of the life we had put on stage and the laughter that filled everyone's hearts. its so surreal how this happens after each and every production and you don't get a chance to fully realise it until it's too late.

im really really glad it went well yesterday. im really glad. and finally, as i got out of the cab this morning from a late supper, as i shut the door and the cab drove away with rudy inside, i realised that i had to trudge home in the end. all fame is fleeting, and theres nothing that ill forget about those few hours in time to come.

had some audition for some musical today. am having huge second thoughts about it because i really need to get down to focusing on my school work and studying, as much as i dont want to. im not even terribly good at it and hence i dont want to even start but ive got to, sadly. and once that evil maxine sends me my photos ill upload them. meanwhile im really tired. maybe later then.

i miss all of you already.