uhuh
Watching the Friday dvd has made me feel very nostalgic all of a sudden. For some reason, no matter when in time we look back, the days that have passed us always seem like they were a better time. For me, it marked a time where i had less to think about because the future seemed to far away. Now, on the brink of yet another major exam, and in fact probably the most difficult national exam, I feel as though there is too little time. People are beginning to go places; I already feel this with respect to the J3s, several of which are flying off to faraway lands and even more conscripted and hating it. I am beginning to lose my friends and as miles begin to seperate us, I can only dread how many more will leave me and how many more I will say goodbye to.
I've been reading alot these holidays and inevitably, time being a zero sum game, not studying for Common Tests. Not that I have a strong aversion to ignoring the fact that the holidays are ending but reading has also provided me with alot of food for thought and I've begun to realise that I, ironically, don't know many things. Is the knowledge of one's lack of knowledge, or rather the awareness of one's ignorance really valuable in any way? I find myself groping about in the darkness trying to figure out what to do day by day because I do not have a plan; which in itself isn't exactly wrong, but there's nothing to hold life together at this point in time.
I've been studying for so long that it makes no sense to continue. None at all. 12 years of books back to back takes too much out of you that sometimes just cannot be put back in. I've tried the system, tested the system, toyed with it, and have been beaten back down it. Hard. There is no point fighting for something you believe in when at the end of the day, nobody realises it and labels it as part of your brash youth. Everyone thinks that standing up for one's self is being rebellious and while that could be true to some extent, it is very different from fighting the system because one just wants to fight something. I am very tired of having to defend myself when faced with a system that is erroneous and rewards nothing but blind faith and unnecessities. This is not to say that everything about it is wrong and should be changed because there certainly are good things about it that deserve merit but at the same time, many imperfections, glaring imperfections mind you, exist within it and are screaming out to be changed.
I'm really sick and tired of fighting and struggling to make some sort of change, to get people to sit up and take notice of what's wrong but it seems as though nobody wants to or that nobody dares to. I resist the flow because I think that it is going in the wrong direction. It also pisses the hell out of me when people think that this constitutes rebellion and therefore anything that does not go according to what is expected of me is part of that rebellious streak and that streak needs to be stamped out. Fast. It's ridiculous really, and we all know what specific incident involving a certain slip of the tongue onstage I refer to now. If it's not already clear, it had nothing to do with me and I've had enough of people wondering if it really was an executive decision on my part because it was not.
Does nobody seem to treasure honesty anymore? I sure have provided a very frank assessment of exactly what I am being put through right now and it does not seem as though it will matter. I feel like a passing wind that everyone will soon forget. And that is true, to a large extent. Which is why at this point in time I feel that the last 12 years of my life have been a failure. A failure to articulate the inadequacies of the system that exists. A failure to fit in. A failure to abide by the rules, no matter how ridiculous they are. A failure to do what I want, and be able to be everything that I sought out to be.
I feel quite lost now. I've done alot. I've really done a whole lot. But it does not seem like it will ever, ever be enough.
god spoke 1:18 AM
I've been reading alot these holidays and inevitably, time being a zero sum game, not studying for Common Tests. Not that I have a strong aversion to ignoring the fact that the holidays are ending but reading has also provided me with alot of food for thought and I've begun to realise that I, ironically, don't know many things. Is the knowledge of one's lack of knowledge, or rather the awareness of one's ignorance really valuable in any way? I find myself groping about in the darkness trying to figure out what to do day by day because I do not have a plan; which in itself isn't exactly wrong, but there's nothing to hold life together at this point in time.
I've been studying for so long that it makes no sense to continue. None at all. 12 years of books back to back takes too much out of you that sometimes just cannot be put back in. I've tried the system, tested the system, toyed with it, and have been beaten back down it. Hard. There is no point fighting for something you believe in when at the end of the day, nobody realises it and labels it as part of your brash youth. Everyone thinks that standing up for one's self is being rebellious and while that could be true to some extent, it is very different from fighting the system because one just wants to fight something. I am very tired of having to defend myself when faced with a system that is erroneous and rewards nothing but blind faith and unnecessities. This is not to say that everything about it is wrong and should be changed because there certainly are good things about it that deserve merit but at the same time, many imperfections, glaring imperfections mind you, exist within it and are screaming out to be changed.
I'm really sick and tired of fighting and struggling to make some sort of change, to get people to sit up and take notice of what's wrong but it seems as though nobody wants to or that nobody dares to. I resist the flow because I think that it is going in the wrong direction. It also pisses the hell out of me when people think that this constitutes rebellion and therefore anything that does not go according to what is expected of me is part of that rebellious streak and that streak needs to be stamped out. Fast. It's ridiculous really, and we all know what specific incident involving a certain slip of the tongue onstage I refer to now. If it's not already clear, it had nothing to do with me and I've had enough of people wondering if it really was an executive decision on my part because it was not.
Does nobody seem to treasure honesty anymore? I sure have provided a very frank assessment of exactly what I am being put through right now and it does not seem as though it will matter. I feel like a passing wind that everyone will soon forget. And that is true, to a large extent. Which is why at this point in time I feel that the last 12 years of my life have been a failure. A failure to articulate the inadequacies of the system that exists. A failure to fit in. A failure to abide by the rules, no matter how ridiculous they are. A failure to do what I want, and be able to be everything that I sought out to be.
I feel quite lost now. I've done alot. I've really done a whole lot. But it does not seem like it will ever, ever be enough.
god spoke 1:18 AM
