uhuh
i am very tired.
anyway. i realised today that ive been trying to detach myself from all my commitments and responsibilities.. because im afraid now that if i invest too much in something, the fall will be all the more harder. cant take anymore emotional battering i guess and physically im at my worst this weekend as well. i feel like i just got outta boot camp or something and im aching everywhere. P mentioned today that everyones been noticing that ive not been myself lately. hai shit man i just didnt expect this to hurt that much that's all - i mean - i thought i could handle it no matter which way it swung but i guess im wrong. now im just withdrawing quietly from everything because its all jsut so tiring. getting involved in too much just to create a false sense of importance has finally resulted in me being exhausted this year.
and usually when that happens i feel even more motivated to do everything properly but this year its just not the same. i feel like just dropping everything and staying home with myself. i know ill never disappoint myself even moreso than i already have. shit man i feel damn rubbish now. im not even sure what im despairing about right now. im tired of giving. i just want something back ok? im tired. i know this probably sounds damn selfish but whateverthefuck lah. i miss being perfectly content, even if it was just on the outside.
i want to sleep.
...
me: so you didnt go in the pool?
cc: no i just sat up there with the rest of the menstruating women.
god spoke 2:35 PM
anyway. i realised today that ive been trying to detach myself from all my commitments and responsibilities.. because im afraid now that if i invest too much in something, the fall will be all the more harder. cant take anymore emotional battering i guess and physically im at my worst this weekend as well. i feel like i just got outta boot camp or something and im aching everywhere. P mentioned today that everyones been noticing that ive not been myself lately. hai shit man i just didnt expect this to hurt that much that's all - i mean - i thought i could handle it no matter which way it swung but i guess im wrong. now im just withdrawing quietly from everything because its all jsut so tiring. getting involved in too much just to create a false sense of importance has finally resulted in me being exhausted this year.
and usually when that happens i feel even more motivated to do everything properly but this year its just not the same. i feel like just dropping everything and staying home with myself. i know ill never disappoint myself even moreso than i already have. shit man i feel damn rubbish now. im not even sure what im despairing about right now. im tired of giving. i just want something back ok? im tired. i know this probably sounds damn selfish but whateverthefuck lah. i miss being perfectly content, even if it was just on the outside.
i want to sleep.
...
me: so you didnt go in the pool?
cc: no i just sat up there with the rest of the menstruating women.
god spoke 2:35 PM
