uhuh
we underestimate our impact on the lives of those around us. and likewise, we underestimate the impact of other people on our lives, and think that we can do away with them, but we discover that the role these people play is far bigger than we think. if we've bothered to think about it that is. and when we lose these people, or these things (maybe) it begins to hit us hard how complex our lives are, and how we are all interdependant in some way or other on all those around us. as much as we'd like to think that were all independant people and that we need nobody, i think that's far from the truth. for me anyway.
somehow something M mentioned last nuight comes to mind. it was something to do with how we can think that we've gotten over someone, or we may really have, but it still hurts all the same when we learn that that someone has another person in his/her life. its as though we were hanging on to something or other that we refused to acknowledge, or that we didnt know existed. its been that way these past few days. holidays are just bad. they put you alone with yourself far too often, and like i told R, i dont like soulsearching cos i always find things that i dont want to.
you know, sometime ago i learnt the power of lying to one's self - where telling yourself something almost necessitates and unconscious acknowledgement of that beign the truth, even though it may not always be the entire truth, or it might just be a complete lie. i realise that we tell ourselves small lies each day, because it is not within our comfort zones to accept the truth at that particular point in time. we lie to ourselves alot, i know i do, and somehow eventually, these lies have become a part of my life, a part of my history. i find that so many memories have somehow created themselves, and now when im ready to confront them, i realise that i cant bring myself to do so because these lies have become truths that my life has grounded itself upon, and that im far too afraid of what may happen if i decide to do something about it.
i dont like looking into the past, like i have so many times these hols, because the past always holds two things - good memories and bad memories. good memories make you want them back, and bad memories make you feel miserable anyway, so whats there thats good in the past? it just makes me feel miserable about the future, which ive never really felt enthusiastic about anyway, so why make it worse right? right. im not exactly sure where this pensive mood takes root - wait actually i am - but id rather not type it out. spelling it out in coherent sentences has a way of making it seem all the more real and imposing somehow.
on another note, theres plenty to be done in the next few days. this game is getting too tiring - i know i cant keep running away from myself but id rather run as much as i can, maybe ill forget who i am, but whoever said that was a bad thing? i want to run as far as i can. and someday - ill make it there. wherever there may be.
god spoke 3:31 PM
somehow something M mentioned last nuight comes to mind. it was something to do with how we can think that we've gotten over someone, or we may really have, but it still hurts all the same when we learn that that someone has another person in his/her life. its as though we were hanging on to something or other that we refused to acknowledge, or that we didnt know existed. its been that way these past few days. holidays are just bad. they put you alone with yourself far too often, and like i told R, i dont like soulsearching cos i always find things that i dont want to.
you know, sometime ago i learnt the power of lying to one's self - where telling yourself something almost necessitates and unconscious acknowledgement of that beign the truth, even though it may not always be the entire truth, or it might just be a complete lie. i realise that we tell ourselves small lies each day, because it is not within our comfort zones to accept the truth at that particular point in time. we lie to ourselves alot, i know i do, and somehow eventually, these lies have become a part of my life, a part of my history. i find that so many memories have somehow created themselves, and now when im ready to confront them, i realise that i cant bring myself to do so because these lies have become truths that my life has grounded itself upon, and that im far too afraid of what may happen if i decide to do something about it.
i dont like looking into the past, like i have so many times these hols, because the past always holds two things - good memories and bad memories. good memories make you want them back, and bad memories make you feel miserable anyway, so whats there thats good in the past? it just makes me feel miserable about the future, which ive never really felt enthusiastic about anyway, so why make it worse right? right. im not exactly sure where this pensive mood takes root - wait actually i am - but id rather not type it out. spelling it out in coherent sentences has a way of making it seem all the more real and imposing somehow.
on another note, theres plenty to be done in the next few days. this game is getting too tiring - i know i cant keep running away from myself but id rather run as much as i can, maybe ill forget who i am, but whoever said that was a bad thing? i want to run as far as i can. and someday - ill make it there. wherever there may be.
god spoke 3:31 PM
